On the Outside…

19 May 2013 at 19:34 (Random Randomness) (, , )

Despite my many years of experience,
my brain still longs for consistency,
yet finds none.
New responses require a lot more time
than the milliseconds it requires for you
to review all the possibilities.
So my brain either freezes
or falls back on old responses.
Either way I’m stuck.
Later I can think it through
and pre-plan for the next time.
Only next time it is likely to be new again…

Most people hold on during a crisis and
relax when it is over.
I hold on and hold on
unable to let go.
Instead, when the crisis is over
I collapse
because modulation is something
my nervous system never learned to do.
It must be hard to understand.
I appear, because I hide things so well,
like someone who can handle so much.
Yet, inside I experience a roller coaster
that is either up or down,
rarely if ever experiencing solid ground…

I’m only asking for the same rights
and freedoms you seek for yourself.
Don’t assume that I want or think or experience
the way that you do.
As nice as you may think it is to be you,
I only want to be me.

~ Susan Golubock, Different on the Inside

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